DOUBLE WIDE

It's really kind of a small miracle that I ever and I mean EVER, get out of bed. I have been blessed, or more correctly, had the foresight to buy myself "the shit" of all beds. Now, they don't actually use my term, "The Shit" in their advertising, but they should. There really is no other description that truly and accurately describes this cloud on a frame. Now technically, it's a simple queen, pillowtop mattress, which many have done and have bragged that they've done well. I beg to differ. Kingsdown, you are the master and commander. I will bow to the God of you. This is my vow.

I've owned this piece of heaven for just over 3 years. Every night/morning when I get/crawl onto this cushy space, I thank the Powers That Be, which of course are the nice designers and factory people that crafted this, not any kind of mystical higher being. Let's all give real and huge credit where it is due. Fuck John Paul. Let's circumvent the usual procedures and waiting time and consider these people for sainthood. And let's say it out loud, Mother Theresa is a hack next to these genius's.

Italian Jaquard. I don't even know how to spell it, but I surely know how it feels. That's the outside material this little beauty is draped in. All that means is it feels like cotton, with all of it's soft and natural goodness. They've left out all of those nasty and annoying buttons as well. Just a few to insure it stays in place. This combination makes it "give" with your body, thus replicating the imaginary cloud experience.

I actually have to hop a wee bit to get onto this mammoth structure. It was much more difficult to do this when I was, ahem, rotund. It still can be a chore when I've tipped a few cocktails. I've yet to actually fall off, but I've a had a few close calls. According to my daughter and her girlfriend, who witnessed the following event, I actually got lost on the bed. I know it to be true and not some creative story conjured up by evil teenagers, because they showed me the 17 pictures they took of this debacle. The last thing I clearly recall is finshing 5 double shots of tequila and 2 double shots of vodka in a very, very short period of time. I really hate when my competitive side comes out. I went from zero, to on my face, in about 40 minutes. Now, to my credit, I did know enough to come in the house and not have my nap outside, in the dark. I am an environmentalist at heart and never could have lived with myself if I had got gotten the southern Calgary mosquito population drunk. And they're meaner when they're hung, so I really am a model citizen as well, looking out for my community first. According to these pompous girls, I was flopping around on the top of the bed (how I got there was never explained as there are no witnesses) and bleating about needing to pee, but couldn't find my way off. "The bed is too big" was supposedly the much repeated phrase, but said with a discernable slur. I eventually did make my way off, with the help of a friend. So no, I didn't soil anything, cause I'm a big girl now.

I share my space with a tall man and three cats. The 20 lb. ball of black mats likes to park his clingy self right where my feet should go, every night. He is a true creature of habit. This has caused me to have a defined curve in my postitioning. The kitties rule and one must never forget that. He does stray from his post if you look at him, or give him the slightest indication that you would even consider giving him a rub. There's nothing like his fat ass sitting on your chest, crushing the life out of you and pawing at your face. Love you Normy. Dave on the other hand, kind of treats the bed like his best friends' house. He's not always there, but is hard to remove once he's parked it. He prefers the 3/4 mark down the other side, which causes Bruce to lay on his back and spread his knees. The Prince must be accomodated. There's nothing like a snorer flat on his back. Thanks Dave. My little ray of sunshine Huey, does pop in now and again, but rarely stays for long. He prefers the equally exquisite ottoman in the living room. He began his life alone under a dumpster and I think prefers his down time to be solitary. Communal beds are not for him.

I'm not sure when this post declined into a tale of drunkeness and my cats, which naturally everyone loves to hear about, so I'll attempt to get back to the point.

I get to wrap myself up in a fine, white goose down duvet. If you've never had this pleasure, please find a way. The next time you're considering a candidate for a late night romp, ask them what kind of bedding they have. If it's white goose down, go for it. You'll get over the lisp and the STD in no time. It's worth it. I got ahold of this beauty during my post-inheritance/house-buying splurgefest. Money? Irrelevent! It's fucking white goose down!

All of this nirvana goes to shit about mid-morning. The sun comes screaming through the window, without even asking first. Very impolite I say. Now, some people may get off on this sort of thing. Not me, as I'm a vampire. I am so, shut up. Ok, not really a vampire so much, with all the bloodsucking and the killing and such. I just don't do alot of daylight. I hit my peak energy and mental levels about midnight (don't pay attention to the time I'm writing this - I'm still a little tipsy and am definately going back to bed). It becomes a game of dodgeball as the sun moves across the sky and pours onto my naked, sweaty body. I swear I'll erupt in flames if it hits me directly, or at least bitch and moan alot. It does torture another side of the house about elevenish, thus leaving me my last precious minutes to be enjoyed in a peace that only can be appreciated after an apocolyptic storm such as I had just endured (ummm, this a subltle hint for a purple heart nomination).

My alarm clock is there for show only. I do set it, although not always properly (I have motorskill issues), but the bed clearly rules all that come within it's reach. The bed will decide when it's going to release me. I know that I have no power over this and I'm fairly certain that there is no 12 step program or any amount of will that can change it. Work and life can wait. There is some serious lounging to do.

Now, I've become very weary and my precious is calling, so I'm off to complete my mission. I'll get to the pillow another time.

Nighty-night.

D.